Do You Miss Them Or The Idea of Them? Find Out Here.
“It’s true we don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone, but we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.”- Unknown
The other day, we were replying to our inbox of daily emails and we noticed a common thread among them all. Each and every person who emailed us that day and day’s prior all wanted our advice on missing their ex, less. This got us to thinking. When going through a breakup, do we truly miss the actual “companion” or is it the “companionship” that we miss?
We believe it’s REALLY important to differentiate between the two – because it will allow you to better understand the healing process that lies ahead. If it is truly your ex-companion who you miss – then let’s really extract what about him/her you feel you can’t live without and how we can turn those unforgettable qualities into something you can utilize in the future (i.e. seeking out those characteristics in your future mate)? If it’s the companionship you miss (and we believe a good majority of the time it is), well then, that’s a deeper issue to explore. So we made a checklist to see if it’s your ex or the companionship your achy-break-y heart is yearning for. Check off all the statements below that apply to you:
1. I miss having someone to spend my weekends with
2. I miss his/her sense of humor/laugh
3. I miss knowing that I have someone out there who cares about me
4. I miss his/her sweet text messages/love notes/phone calls/etc.
5. I miss having love/affection/sex
6. I miss his/her scent
7. I miss always having someone to talk to when something good/bad happens
8. I miss his/her style
9. I miss being treated to dinner/getting gifts
10. I miss his/her drive/motivation
If you checked off mostly even numbers, than it seems you truly do miss your ex-companion. If you checked off mostly odd numbers, it’s the absence of the companionship that has you hurting.
Missing the Companion
Now that you determined it is indeed your ex-companion that you miss, let’s focus on that absence and how you can turn your yearnings into practical positives. Start by making a mental note of his/her characteristics that you adored and appreciated. Those are qualities that are important to you. But know this: those same qualities you cherished can exist in your next love as well. In fact, they will probably not only demonstrate those qualities you love, but they will most likely have other positive characteristics (that your ex didn’t), which you will love too! Now there’s something to look forward to, right? ABSOLUTELY! Just altering your thoughts and outlook on that alone can lessen the ache for your ex.
Here’s another helpful tip:
- You already know the individual traits that made you fall in love with your ex; now it’s time to think about those qualities they didn’t have, that you would like in a mate. Some examples may be: he/she wasn’t affectionate, he/she wasn’t generous, he/she wasn’t close with their family, he/she was jealous and/or possessive, he/she made promises they couldn’t keep, etc. No one is perfect – so therefore we are sure that there were some not so attractive characteristics that your ex owned. Start writing those down.
Look at that list and know that when you start dating again, those are qualities you should look for so that you again don’t experience the same lack.
Missing the Companionship
If you established that it’s the companionship you miss most – we have some news for you – your ex has little to do with your pangs of hurt. Typically when we miss the companionship, we see that we were just with that person to avoid being alone. We were looking for that person to fill the void of loneliness and well, no wonder it didn’t work out. The only person that can complete you and fill you up – is YOU! If you’re looking for someone else to do that for you, rest assured that you will continue to travel the road of broken hearts over and over again. Consider this, if we look at companionship as filling a void, then what exactly are we attracting and when we attract it, what are we actually receiving? We see plenty of remarkable people continuously go back to, stay in or move to another toxic relationship because they would rather be with someone than on their own.
This is called “relationship rebounding” – those people who bounce from relationship to relationship so they don’t have to be alone. We all know these people – and well, we might even be describing you. What it all comes down to is if you don’t like and appreciate your own companionship – no one – not even George Clooney will fulfill you.
So we tackled the main problem here: you miss being in a relationship – not necessarily the person you were in the relationship with. So what do we do with this newfound awareness? Get ready to work on YOU! Warning: this might get a little uncomfortable. We promise though, the end result will be a blast!
Here are some tips to get started:
- Interview yourself with the questions we outline below and get ready to be really honest with yourself!
- What do you love most/least about spending time with yourself?
- When was the last time you spent a full day in your own company? What did you do? How did it feel?
- What does it mean to you to be single/alone?
- When you’re feeling lonely – what’s going on in your life and what thoughts surface (i.e. I’m unlovable, I am ugly, I am worthless, etc.)
- When was the last time you were single? How did that feel? Once you have honestly answered these questions, you can see just how deep your attachment to companionship actually is.
- Sometimes, it’s our friends and family that reveal things about us that we don’t exactly own for ourselves. For instance, you might not realize just how funny you are, until several people you’re close to tell you. So it’s time to email your friends and family and ask them one simple question: “What is it about spending time with me that you like?” Now you can take all those amazing traits of yours and apply them to your self-dictionary. Own those qualities your friends/family love about you and celebrate them in your alone time.
Let’s be clear – all this new awareness and clarification will not take away the sting of heartbreak. It just allows us to make a little bit more sense of why we’re hurting and, once we find the cause, then taking the proper steps to healing. The cure lies in the knowing and doing.
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Janis Gaudelli & Tristan Coopersmith are the Founders of the BreakUP Club.
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